There is something that this blog addresses that is controversial so I start with the disclaimer: I have close to 5,000 friends on Facebook and could do with a little less in my feed so if you are going to start with the whole "hate the sin but love the sinner" argument or that "I am going to hell for something that is a choice" argument please feel free to delete me and if this does offend you too much it is fine if you delete me as well.
Now that I have your attention after 34 1/2 years of baking in a mixture of straight and homosexual juice it is clear that I am not bisexual but gay. Gay not as happy but gay as in I like men and gay as in fabulous and queer. I know that queer goes in and out of style and I am not here to discuss semantics but in modern-day vernacular queer basically means not straight. And I have dawdled in the gay and bisexual and straight conundrum for decades but I know now that I am gay. Looking at media I am attracted to men and just men. The people at my gym hear me say things under my breath about how attractive the guys are I am constantly attracted to men and just men when I am in public and the swimsuit issue and other issues where there are women in it or stuff online I think yeah people are wonderful inside and out but even if they look great to society I am not the least tiniest bit attracted to them. So I in effect are only attracted to men and just men. I want an eventual boyfriend but I am scared for two reasons: not donating blood which I love and having searched this road for years at least since having male celebrity crushes and male Disney crushes since I was a kid. Women do not attract me physically or sexually and with the fact that I am not the least bit turned on by women in any media category means that I am as gay as gay can be. They can be 10 pluses and I am not attracted to them but men even average men if they are a male and they are attractive in my arena I am way attracted to them and I know that it is easy to bake. I have baked for almost 35 years and some of the reasons why I have waffled on it include having a solid number of conservative activities and being in judgmental places of life. Now that this is not the case I feel solidly OK with the decision to be gay and I probably was all along.
Being gay and wearing nail polish and having purple hair is much more acceptable with guys in 2018 than it is in 2003. More people are accepting the fact that they are who they are and don't feel the need to hide it and society has changed it's views of gender and orientation discussion quite readily and rapidly. More people have decided that they are at least bisexual and may be turning into gay throughout the past few years even in the past few months several of my friends who I knew for years were kind of different orientations just from experiences with them or word of mouth have come out as either gay or bisexual. I wasn't at all surprised and as time has gone on I have deduced that I am right on my perceptions. They were probably gay their whole life and just didn't feel fully comfortable. I know I didn't but being a Presbyterian Buddhist with ideals more bordering on Buddhism and never understanding the Book of Order I feel more comfortable in being out and at this point have a tell only if asked expectation on my orientation. I don't tell much because people are mature enough not to ask unless the topic of dating or children comes up which is somewhat rare.
This doesn't change anything with my attitude towards people. I have always had reservations about certain types of people and I still do however I feel like I won't judge someone for being a legalistic christian (intentionally not capitalized) unlike they would judge me for the orientation piece depending. I haven't ever sexually harassed a male in the bathroom or otherwise and haven't ever kissed a male without consent and I won't start now. It will change how I approach men because I don't want to be frightened by big men if I find someone who I am attracted to that is also gay and is a bigger dude and we decide to go out or eventually have relations. This is all kind of new to me and is a lot to process so I ask that if you have questions ask me directly and have them be non-judgmental. I am not going to hide it but I am sure that if people are uncomfortable with this conversation or it is not the right space we can talk about something else. And above all be respectful. Respect goes a long way and I am lucky to have the friends and the people in my life that I do. Stay tuned for the post-graduation blog about how I have handled my health post-school. Coming in early to mid April AutBott Ian and out
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