2014: The Good The Bad and The Ugly

Here are the top 5 good bad and ugly things that happened in 2014. Hope that there is something I can learn from all of them:
Top 5 Good:
1. The A- in Research Methods: So much more than expected went into it and so much more than expected got out of it. I did well on almost all the assignments, had a great prof, had a great group, and gained confidence. I also was able to drop the Public Relations minor the day after the term was over which will give me a chance to broaden my horizons on what I can take and excel in.
2. The Internship at Special Olympics Idaho: This was my dream, I chased it, and I did super-well enough to perhaps have a job shortly after I graduate from college with them. Not only the internship but also my various volunteer obligations with Special Olympics College made this quite an exciting time to be an intern and with me as the one over a busy time this summer, I was able to do a bang-up job.
3. The times I've spent with Alexis: And there will be more of them to come. I have genuinely appreciated the more time with her this past term. We are established as a couple and we have done well with respect to space and with respect to entertaining each other in ways that are exciting for each other. She has been supportive the whole year long and will continue to be.
4. Reading: I will be done with 96 books at the end of the year. It has been an exciting trip and I have enjoyed every one of them. I love to read, it is almost like catching up with old friends.
5. Joining the Council: Great career move and I have enjoyed every minute of it. They are genuine people and I have genuinely enjoyed every single second of my time there and am already talking about another 3-year term when I'm done with it.
The Bad;
1. The F in Research Methods last spring: Just bad all the way around. I wish not to say much other than it was night/day spring and fall. Bad group, unaccomodating professor, and no sympahthy made for a bad term.
2. Depression: This is old news, but it hit big-time in the Spring again. It was a time when I did not feel happy and my anxiety got in the way and made it worse. I wasn't fully treated well and that made for a long spring as well.
3. My Own Body's Mortality: I think that I did not do well with injuries the past few years. This year was no exception. With a rolled ankle, a sprained ankle, a sprained hand, a strained calf, and knee difficulty as well as a cold that I am currently fighting that was nasty, this has been a bad year for health. And it's not getting easier.
4. Neighbors: A few different ones and they were all awful. The apartment is so bad sleep-wise that I have to wait until 11 or midnight to go to bed because it is impossible to sleep before then for me and if I do I can't sleep well.
5. My Grandma: She died a few weeks ago but went downhill all year. While she was ready to go, it wasn't any easier for my family. She was 96.
The Ugly:
1. Coffee Addiction: That is ugly. I don't like the taste of coffee for as much as I drink it. I drink it often and love the social side of things but as far as taste goes it is bitter a lot but I still enjoy it all the time. Partially also because of it being a part of my identity, I am coffee-Bott.
2. Controversial Advocacy: I wish it could be easier to support LGBT rights and disability advocacy in Idaho. It's not. I have been rided for supporting these things and have lost friends for these causes. I have had to hide that part of me from some people. I wish I could've chosen easier causes, but these are truly worth fighting for.
3. Ugly Splits: I dropped three churches/para-churches this year due to my support for gay rights. None of them were easy as I had been a part of Young Life for five years, InterVarsity for nearly eleven, and Calvary off-and-on for nearly eleven. I had even been in leadership for those places, making it much harder. I don't think I got sympathy from them enough to make it worthwhile and I feel like I have a hard time supporting groups that won't support me warts and all.
4. Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome: I am sarcastic and have an opinion about EVERYTHING! That seriously put me in trouble more often than I would like to admit. Something that I think has been the biggest thing I see is how much people like me when I'm being kind vs. when I'm opinionated. It is something I need to control.
5. Tiredness: I was exhausted in October. I need to find ways to control my schedule so that it doesn't get that way again.

Attitude Of Gratitude

With Thanksgiving looming soon, it is time that I think that we should be thankful. Everyday. For the people who help us, sustain us, and come and work with us. For the people who are our friends, our family, our confidants, our support. For the people who pour tons of stuff into our lives everyday. Also for the people who do nice things for us. Gratitude isn't taught in schools, but it is learned throughout time. People can sometimes seem imperatively structured to be not thankful and take things for granted or they can be thankful. Thankful for the things that they have done with help, thankful for those who have come before us, thankful for everything that has helped with their own lives that others have continued to strengthen, thankful for their own challenges and continuing to see that as an opportunity to change lives. I admit sometimes I seem a bit like a say it how it is kind of person but I am grateful beyond belief for everything. I am grateful for everybody who has helped me and have changed my life. My friends, my coworkers, my classmates, and everyone else, if you have helped in the slightest way I am grateful. I have a lot of heroes and even more people rooting for me. My autism gets in the way sometimes and sometimes I don't seem as grateful, but I am. I am thankful for everyday things that take life out of the ordinary and move to the extraordinary. I am grateful for my friends, my family, my coworkers, and everyone else who has helped me in my life. Thankfulness is not a one-day, one-shot deal, it is something that should be practiced everyday. But first let me be thankful for everyone in my life. You all mean a lot.

Advocate

I am an advocate. I think of it as a selfless act in some regards because of how I strengthen my own learning as well as my own strength and structure of what is needed to learn and listen and navigate the intellectual challenges of my life as well as the environment of others who dedicate their heart and soul into the outpouring of tireless and theoretically well-structured life of the general interests of not only my advocacy but others as well. I am not only a self-advocate for those with unique abilities, I am also one often helping out the disenfranchised LGBTQIA population. My prize is one of no pay for years, rather it is one of sincere appreciation, hindsight, and help as well as interest in others through hard work, dedication, and unconditional love. Things have not been easy by any stretch of the imagination- there has been lots of setbacks and even more triumphs and love has been shown through all of the indications of helping hands and deep appreciation for everyone involved. Sometimes the work is well worth it in kind ways, other times there are plenty of hard work that gets hands dirty and that no one wants to get done but is necessary. There are some things that are worth fighting for and rights of the disenfranchised and disadvantaged are some of the biggest ones yet. While I am slowly becoming more political, there is only so much to learn and relearn and unlearn. Life is beautiful- a constant kind of struggle and triumph and it's about dancing in the rain when those triumphs happen. Love is patient and so should we be when we are handling with people. Regardless, joining SALN was one of the best choices I could have made. I don't say much changes my life but it did. Even with all the tiredness and long hours of work and strengthened times that are well-intended but don't always come out the way I want them to, I have fought tooth and nails and one of the core intentions is that I am a man of many words but I think one that I resonate most is: self-advocate. I am an advocate.

Let Me Get One Thing Straight

People often times have a hard time realizing who they are and why they are that way. Sometimes people incubate in indecision or confusion for their whole life or for decades before coming to a conclusion that they are a certain way. Sometimes people for fear or whatever never come to the decision. I should know. I incubated for at least 28 1/2 years. The first time I knew that I was in disagreement with the heterosexual norm was when I was in the 6th grade and admitted that I was attracted to a guy on TV. Strange, but from there I ended up dating both men and women (both genders in a serious manner a couple of times at least), found attraction for both (though mostly of the shorter variety, although I dated a few taller people, I find them somewhat intimidating even though I am tall), and made comments about being attracted to male friends. After accepting that I might be bisexual for the last 5 months that I dated my last girlfriend (the most serious one, I seriously considered proposing to her), with nothing to lose I came out 3 months after the break-up. First I came out to my Mom and a few best friends. None where surprised. My friends (well most of them) said that they had known for years and the one who didn't had known for a few months. My Mom had known for quite a while too. The moment when I had an "I think I probably am" was when I was doing a rally for gay rights and started sobbing at the vigil. I also had to come to terms that my sister was going to pride rallies as an ally and I had just started doing rallies and I was sure that something was different. Shortly after that I became more involved in activism. I did everything I could to fly above the radar in work for people of different orientations. I knew that even though I am a bit unusual in my approach, it would work. I have been standing up for those who are gay in numerous ways both at home and in the community. Not that my road has been easy: the people who call me names in the community has gone way up again and I have had to consider the ramifications of what could potentially happen otherwise. People have been accepting overall but I had to leave a faith community for a while when they weren't been accepting and there have been other triggers too. Because of counseling and because of my friends who have stuck up for me all this time, I have genuinely been invested in helping others reach their full potential, straight or not. Along the way there have been several leadership positions open and some sponsors that otherwise might not have been there. It is much easier to be a butterfly in 2014 than 2004. For one thing, it is known about more. People can sometimes still be afraid, but that has been tempered with all the ideas of the news and education. Gay marriage has been in the forefront of debates for years and there has been plenty of education on it. People have gotten past the insipid idea that if gay marriage was allowed, people would be able to marry animals and children. Strange but that was thought to be true when it was first an issue. People are becoming more aware that individuals who they might not expect to be a certain way are and the idea that there is no one right "look or sound" to a gay or bisexual person. I have been bisexual openly for about 2 years. There are people who are bisexual or gay everywhere who aren't open about it, either on Facebook or in reality. There are plenty of professions with gays in them- actors, athletes, activists, musicians, playwrights, writers, politicians, and even accountants. 25% of the world probably is on the gay continuum. For whatever reason, whether fear or something else only 5% choose to be out. I am one of those 5% and proud of it. People are most afraid of what they don't understand and it is this generations opportunity to educate and erase hate.

5 Myths About Depression And The Contrast

I have depression. I have been struggling pretty heavily with it and have been on Prozac for close to a year. I thought due to the untimely death of Robin Williams, this would be a timely topic to discuss. I had another controversial topic to discuss since it's my two-year anniversary of first declaring this week, but it'll have to wait. Depression myths are more important to debunk. Here are five myths about depression and what I have done to debunk them:
Myth 1: Depression is all about sadness: There are such things as seasonal depression, anger, hypo-mania, racing thoughts, and addiction in depression. I have encountered all of these in the past year in at least small doses. I have also encountered much sadness and have experienced many manic times in some of this spot. These are somewhat linked to my anxiety piece, but understanding that this can be used in many forms of depression helps people understand better that they are not alone. Sadness is just a part of depression and as my families experience can attest to, it is not all of it.
Myth 2: Depression is just a phase: Absolutely not! Once you are diagnosed with clinical depression, depression almost always has a chance of sneaking up again. Even after I was on the antidepressant, there have been times of depression and times of hurt, pain, mania, and implicit anger. Depression doesn't stay once and for all. Once someone is depressed, it can come back again. What you can do when it creeps up is either get help or make a plan. I am generally depressed on my breaks but have been keeping occupied enough this break to combat it. Whether or not I'm able to over my longer winter break remains to be seen, but I have a plan for if it happens because I know it can.
Myth 3: All psychological? No it has much deeper effects. While depression has some medical imbalances, there is much more than what people actually think is going on. Many people with depression see therapists, see people to balance medication, see spiritual counsel, find hobbies, and spend time using a sounding board. This is what I've done. Even more don't realize that they have depression until later, sometimes too late. People with depression can self-medicate and often do so. Depression knows no bounds in who it can effect, and regardless of what anybody tells you, it is a chemical imbalance often or hereditary but certainly not psychological only.
Myth 4: Depression is a lazy condition for loners: People with depression are often social people who have a hard time reacting in some situations or they are semi-social people who sometimes like to reflect. People with depression often are busy to keep their mind occupied or they work through problems with people. Sometimes people with depression are lazy or anti-social, but that isn't always the case. 1 in 20 people deal with clinical depression (maybe more) and all of these people are different. If you meet one person with clinical depression, you've met 1 person and chances are everyone has. If you are depressed temporarily it is different than clinical depression and there are many people with clinical depression who are social to many degrees.
Myth 5: People with depression almost always have a hard time working. This is an unfortunate generalization for the public. Many people with depression have a hard time working but some are able to keep a job that they enjoy and look forward to going to every time. I have held a job for over 7 years with a few heavy-duty volunteer jobs on the side for most of the time. When someone is like: you have continued to work hard, you are almost always happy, you have a lot of energy and genuine interest in people and work and exercise, you don't seem like you have depression, it seems shameful to me because they are marginalizing depression to fit a box. With a condition that has affected roughly 15-20 million people clinically in America alone, you can't just do that. Depression is something that affects everyone differently. Many people can work with it due to medication and therapy while some it's too much of an impact on them to where they can't work and have to stay at home often due to stress. Just like you can't judge a book by it's cover, you can't put a condition as prevalent in a box.
Hope that this cleared up some issues. It is a tough thing to talk about, but if you or a loved one has depression, remember that you and them are not alone. There are at least 15 million Americans with it and no two of them are alike. The results of what happens when you talk about it with them might surprise you and you can make a difference.

A Breakthrough

When I feel ways for what I need to find my life again:
I feel many times like I am depressed or anxious in the days, the weeks, and like there are blips on the screen. Then something happens, something unexpected, something spectacular. A high-five or group hug when I'm having a rough day. A pat on the back from a football player. A cup of coffee. A vivacious roommate that never keeps boring me. Whatever I need, I usually find it. I love to dance. I am such a person who finds ways to find my length of life strengthened by my own structure and piecing to it.
Why?:
Because life is so much more than just going through the motions. Because life is so much better structured than it should be. Because life should be enjoyed and portioned out correctly, rather than taken at face value. Because I want to live fully as a strong person and an even stronger mentor. Because life needs to be entertained.
When do I see this breakthrough?:
Everyday, in the littlest times. Breakthroughs are spectacular, sometimes small, sometimes large, and sometimes incredibly hard to explain. Even when I feel like life is lost, I can often see something so much more: a breakthrough from a galaxy of stars.

Volunteeriang

I have been volunteering since my days at Centennial High School with the Environmental Awareness Club and there are 3 things I've learned:
1. A great volunteer experience starts with you:
Volunteering is exponential and when you are inspired to volunteer and are spirited about it, then you can strengthen experiences for others. These types of experiences and realizations are brought on by continuation and strong insight from how you have strengthened because of what you have learned. I have never had a volunteer job I didn't like in some capacity. Some have seen faster-paced than others (the soup kitchen for example) but my love and yearning for volunteering has been started with one person: me.
2. There is always something to learn:
Even when I was doing things like sorting or mentoring or raking up leaves that seem like there isn't much to learn, the circumstances have been overwhelmingly flooded with positive results. I have always learned something that has been exciting and exuberant and there has been intuitive experiences that have been overwhelmingly started by my excitement with volunteering and through the options that I have had, there is always something to learn.
3. Volunteering doesn't stop at the job:
There isn't much that volunteering does that stops at the job. There is always something to take home and the experiences that have been brought through to it and rightly so. The overwhelming theme is that volunteering can be trusted to become a stronger piece and strengthening through how it can be dedicated to the partiality of volunteering that can be experienced because of what volunteering can do and what it should be stronger throughout what is strengthened through to it.

Live Life (A Poem About My Sense Of Adventure)

I jumped out of bed today

With a sense of accomplishment of all that I have done

I went to my friend yesterday

And heard plenty of heartfelt compliments for what I go through

I look at my autism

And structure how my life would be without it
Would that life be chosen as much for adventure?

I don't think so

I want to live life

I heard that I am an angel the other day
By an amazing friend

And I was able to share stories

See an amazing place I had never seen

And learn much more than I had ever learned before

Does me as a friend change outlook?

What chances till I make it?

Would being neuro-typical be boring for me?

I don't know, but I want to live life

I work hard

I play hard

I love hard

I work out hard

I volunteer hard

I advocate hard

And I don't think my Mom could be prouder of me recently
For all that I accomplish and have yet to accomplish

I want that to continue and I still want to live a grand life

Sometimes it's just enough to live life with a sense of adventure, purpose, and calling
I want to continue to live life- IJB

Top 50 Ian Moments

Since I haven't done a top moments blog for a while and I thought it'd be fun to do a top 50 moments for my 50th blog, here goes my top 50 moments that I have ever had in my life:
50: my first Honor Roll report card (7th grade)
49: my first field goal in a regulation game (8th grade)
48: my first A in High School (9th grade)
47: my first gold medal in Special Olympics (5th grade)
46: my first roommate (6th grade)
45: my first baseball game (6th grade)
44: my first live basketball game (5th grade)
43: my first day in the group home (6th grade)
42: my K-Kid of the Month Awards (5th and 6th grade)
41: winning the geography bee (7th grade)
40: my Best Conqueror of Challenge Award (8th grade)
39: my first 3-pointer in a regulation game (9th grade)
38: my first talent show (5th grade)
37: my Choir Choice Award/Director Choice Award combo (12th grade)
36: my first leadership role in a club (11.5th grade)
35: my first photograph (10th grade)
34: my first time liking coffee (9th grade)
33: my Special Education Student of the Year Award (12th grade)
32: my first time mentoring someone in college (my second underclassmen year of college)
31: my first time getting paid at a job (summer before my third underclassmen year of college)
30: my first time as an officer of a club (my first full Sophomore year of college)
29: my first time winning a raffle (5th grade)
28: my first time bowling a 100 game (6th grade)
27: my first time doing the 30-hour famine (10th grade)
26: my first time doing Service Saturday (first Junior Year of college)
25: my first time volunteering at college (1st year of college)
24: my first time doing a day trip in the Outdoor Program (Junior Year of college)
23: my first weekend trip with a college group (Sophomore year of college)
22: my first time out of North America (and so far only) (Summer before second underclassmen year of college)
21: my first time at a week-long trip with a college group (summer before my second Sophomore year of college)
20: professing my faith on my own for the first time (10th grade)
19: moving from the group home into an agency (Sophomore year of college)
18: my first award-winning poem (11.5th grade)
17: starting Self-Advocacy Leadership Network (last semester of my Junior year in college)
16: beginning yoga in earnest (second Junior year in college)
15: first gold medal in basketball (11.5th grade)
14: only gold medal in softball (second underclassmen year in college)
13: reading the Bible cover-to-cover for the first time (Junior year in college)
12: winning Boise State Volunteer of the Year (second Junior year in college)
11: first and only out-of-the country trip with a school group (last semester of 3rd Junior Year in college)
10: first solo plane flight without an escort (summer before my second Junior year in college)
9: going to a national conference for autism (second Senior year in college)
8: getting a 4.0 the semester after getting hit by a car (second Junior year in college)
7: getting an A in Math (second Senior year in college)
6: moving to Self-Direction (second Senior year in college)
5: getting a 3.271 and a 3.65 my first two semesters of all upper-division classes (first and second Senior years in college)
4: being selected to go to Leadershape (3rd Junior year in college)
3: being brave enough to come out as bisexual (2nd Senior year in college)
2: graduating from high school with a 3.217 GPA (2003)
1: winning Spirit of Boise State (2nd Senior year in college)

In A Moment

In A Moment
By I. Jimmy Bott
In a moment life can be an amazing joy
Or a struggle that is too hard to bear
In a moment I can see people trying to understand where I am at
And meet me there
In a moment I can function well
And still try to see my life as God would intend it
Even with my struggles as real
It is a wonder if things are truly evident
In a moment when autism and depression
Collide I feel pain and struggle
Anguish and excitement
And trying to achieve my life goal of being a hope
Sometimes all at the same time
In a moment I can change to happiness
Which the truth brings
And my strength to carry on comes from a strengthened
Faith from within
And in a moment
I truly wish to be even stronger through this strengthened moment-IJB

My Dream

What is my dream?
To live in a world with discrimination towards those with unique abilities and on the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, Intersex, and Allies spectrum eradicated. To live in a world where bigotry and oppression towards these types of people and everyone else who is considered the other does not exist. I hope to live to see this day, but, like Martin Luther King, Jr. with racism being eradicated, it will probably not happen in my lifetime as the stereotypes of ethnicity is still being worked on today.
Why?
I am a proud member of both the LGBTQIA continuum as a bisexual male who was questioning for several months and is a proud ally and the continuum of the people with unique abilities as someone with mood disorder, ADHD, autism on a few levels (some people argue Aspergers or PDD-NOS, some people who have worked in the field for a long time think Tourette's or OCD in some regards, that is hard to know, the mood disorder is probably a combo of trauma, depression, anxiety, and a touch of bipolar.) There are two reasons why I am still functioning well and still thriving in college: medication and the best support system for anybody with autism since Temple Grandin was in college.
Am I making a difference with these issues and how can I encourage others to do the same?
Every time I go to a rally, march against injustice, attend an advocacy meeting or a day at the capitol, serve on a committee, help out with Pride Festival, listen to the Gay Men's chorus, support the LGBTQIA continuum by being educated about the issues and speaking up/or boycotting things that are unjust, I am making a difference. I do this all the time. I also make a difference by sharing my story with others which I am more than happy to often. I can encourage others to do the same by making it safe, reserve judgment and hatred in all cases, be a supportive ally and advocate, follow the golden/platinum rules, be myself, and share importance and love for each other by helping other people when they are having an issue.
Am I loved by these various people groups?
Yes and so much more. One of the main reasons why I have started laying this dream on the table is so that I can share people's visions and goals and love people for who they are. I am loved by many, hated by few, and respected by most. While my opinionated sense of right damages my ability to be a leader in some churches and people groups (and those I wouldn't care to be a leader for anyway), I am beloved by a majority of my family, my friends, my colleagues, my friend's colleagues, and so many more people. To start living out these dreams I have to be the person to have more of a dream. My autism has helped me start blazing a trail in many regards and I have continued to show love in so many ways. Let my heart be completely overflowing with love this day and everyday. And encourage others to follow my lead. This is my desire and dream.

Hope

The are three reasons why I give hope (at least, but these are the main ones). Here they are in a three-sentence reason for each one.
1. I give hope to people who have a unique ability and want to overcome it:
I am structuring myself as much more than a lover of people, I am structuring myself as a pioneer, an up-and-coming strong activist for the disenfranchised, and a hope for the people who have unique abilities. People with unique abilities see me as a role model, a funny guy, and a well-liked human doing. And I wouldn't have as many friends in this position if I didn't have autism.
2. I give hope to parents:
If a parent has a child or a teen or even an adult that struggles with autism, I can give them a smile and kind words. If a parent has a child with autism or a young adult or a grown-up that has behavior problems, I can share that it gets better because of my history. Even those people without autism I can show parents that I continue to get better and their children can too (i.e. my roommate's Mom, people with Down's Syndrome's parents, etc.)
3. I give hope to the people in agencies:
Due to the successes I have they see that it is possible. I have moved through a group home, a supervised apartment situation, and into self-direction, and each step has been braver and braver. I have thrived in these situations and hives hope to individuals who are struggling.
There are other situations but these are the main ones. I am a beacon of hope.

Strength

My true strength doesn't come from within. It comes from the Lord above. The Lord is the one who has gotten me out of three personal hell-like states and is trying to get me to snap out of a fourth around this time. The Lord is the one who has gotten me to get to where I am physically right now. The Lord is who I credit with genuinely creating an environment where I am able to make and keep many friends that have genuine caring attitudes about me and to whom I trust and shall not fear. The Lord is the one who got me to the point in education that I am. The Lord is a lover of my successes and a forgiver of my failures. Even more than my Mom and my own experiences, the Lord has gotten me to where I'm at today and has gotten me through six and a half years in customer service, twenty-seven years in education, and twenty-two and a half years as an athlete. The Lord turned an uncoordinated gangly freak show like me into one of the best male dancers at Boise State and definitely one of the most frequent. The Lord has gotten me to a great apartment complex with lots of support. The Lord is the most forgiving spirit ever created. In the fourteen plus years of claiming Christianity for myself, I have seen plenty of changes, but the Lord is the crux of it all. My strength comes from my spiritual leader and that is why I am who I am largely today.