Emotions And Autism: How I Feel And Why I Feel It

For a long time I couldn't feel pain emotionally or physically. The famous story of pain is when I broke my finger in three places trying to field a grounder barehanded, look at a gorgeous female, and throw it to her at the same time with the ball underneath and work the next day at a volunteer job sounds like legend, but it's fact. I couldn't feel a thing and wasn't allowed to play the whole season, but if I hadn't gone to Primary Health I wouldn't have known it. And that wasn't too long along, relatively speaking. Part of autism spectrum symptoms is apparent insensitivity to pain and I took that to the tee for my whole life. Even now as I struggle to walk on my ankle, I am hesitant to see a doctor because I want to be seen as a macho man but will probably see one Tuesday or Monday if I have time prior to Power Abs. I hardly ever even take Ibuprofen, not because I don't feel pain that well, but because I have the false impression that I will get addicted to it. Autism sometimes has a hard time of explaining itself with pain. Today as it's over a hundred I was walking on the pavement and grimacing without shoes on and realized it when I was outside of the fence and had to walk on grass. Physical pain is hard for me to grasp even as I've gone through more injuries that have been serious and semi-serious than almost anybody I know my age or close to it except for possibly my sister and one of my best friends. On an emotional side of things, I shut down sometimes when I am afraid of being burned by others. It took me a long time to grasp the idea of being close to a friend because I had a tough time being trusting. I had been hurt by so many people either physically, verbally, and emotionally, and I'm not that far removed from a relationship that was abusive on all of those levels. I guess in some instances I've had religious abuse too. Due to lack of understanding for things outside of my control dealing with or not dealing with autism, I've had to leave a couple of churches. I got to the place of forgiveness with one of them not too long ago, I will be working on the other one for years to come. The other one hurt because of reasons like some of them fostering close friendships with me, being in leadership for a while, and them being close in age. I thought I could trust them more. But due to circumstances outside of my own, I have a hard time reconciling forgiveness and I'm going to be bitter for a while. And that's OK. In other senses of emotion, this is a hard blog to write. Probably one of my hardest. I didn't cry for years and years, and since I cried at youth group as a leader-in-training, I have cried at school numerous times, at church numerous times, at conferences at least once, at sunsets a lot, at movies quite a bit (sometimes through most of the thing, ask anyone who has watched Soul Surfer with me, I'm a mess), and at home more than a few times. I'm almost crying right now as I write about my experiences with this. Emotions do not come easy for individuals with autism and it hasn't been any easier for me, but as I'm much more empathetic with age and not being afraid to be seen as an individual with a soft heart, it's gotten easier for me. Finally, the need of safety is a need I didn't have that affected my emotions for a while. I lived with a brain injured drug addict, a guy that was an elitist, and two felons prior to living with my current roommate, who has some pretty big issues of his own and while I can work around the issues with my current roommate and I could with the elitist, the safety issues of when I was living with the felons or the brain injured drug addict was such that I was afraid that I either was going to get hit or eventually killed on a semi-regular basis. My current roommate has issues of his own for sure, but they are seemingly minuscule most of the time compared to fearing for your own life. No one should be that afraid. I was spending whole days at school because I was afraid of losing my life and so I escaped and that caused a sense of bad conflict management (avoidance is a conflict management tactic), but I felt safer and no one should have to go through that, and someone with autism should have a much safer life than that. Stay tuned for my next topic: the Iantern: or what I've learned on the first month-plus with a non-profit.

29- what a year of self-discovery, triumphs, and a couple of setbacks

Here is my story of several things (6 to be exact) that made 29 great and 2 that made it tough:

1. Winning the Spirit of Boise State Award- will be talked about for years. that was possibly one of my biggest triumphs ever. not entirely surprising, since I know most of the campus already, but it was a way of Boise State saying that I exemplify all of the character traits of a solid leader and an excellent student, and that was meaningful.

2. Self-Direction- all great people to work with, handpicked and a list that was handpicked, and a sense of ownership in the whole thing. this was possibly the best choice of my adult life and I've been thoroughly blessed by each and every one of the people to make it possible. it is so much better than my old situation.

3. A in Math- never thought that you would see Ian Bott and A in Math in the same sentence. Well, thanks to Professor Tillotson, my Mom, and hard work, now you have. What makes this a top-3 accomplishment and not a top-4 or top-5 is that I was moving, playing basketball, reading up a storm, changing programs, roommate-free for half of it, doing some stuff with friends that lasted a while, and had a birthday. And I still got an A!

4. My great roommate Scott- best friends and best roommates. Scott and I fully understand each other, and though we sometimes do silly things and egg each other on and make bad decisions, those have lessened with time and we have become stellar roommates. We are going to be rooming for a while longer, as we have upped the lease, and I couldn't be happier.

5. Orientation declaration: as tough as it's been, it's been a pretty solid decision in being comfortable that I am bi in three ways (bisexual, misdiagnosed as bipolar, and ambidextrous) and that I'm born this way and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. It was tough coming out to some of my friends and I had to fudge it a bit, but once I was comfortable with it, I blocked my conservative friends from seeing my statuses and declared it. It was and still is a piece of me that I'm proud of but I knew that prejudice would come. But there is still plenty of support and it is easier to be comfortable in who you are now than it was 10 years ago.

6. Internship with SALN: OK, so the best thing happened last in my "year". But this process, while long, has truly been a blessing. It got me to eventually be considering the Boise officer post of SALN and then it will get me notice from the State Board when I run post-graduation. It gets me involved politically too and even when I wasn't doing the internship, I did great things (like testifying at the Capitol and being a leader at the conference).

2 tough things:
1. Geology doesn't rock- it was hard for Geology. It was a rocky road and I didn't understand the teacher's methods or his way of relaying information. I thought I would be fine, but I was less than 30 to 35 points from passing. The next step is to take science classes with my Mom. good luck with that.

2. the choice to leave Calvary Chapel- I had been fighting this choice for a long time. I finally firmly decided this in the spring when it became clear to me that I wasn't welcome there and that I couldn't fully reconcile how they showed partially and could still call themselves a church. Eventually, I will reconcile this choice, but for now with how they treated me in Leadership and with their Leaders and Core Members, it will take years to forgive and forget. I just hope that someday I do.

So overall 29 was a good year. A gutsy one and one with setbacks and triumphs. I have seen plenty of excitement, some anger, and some impressive feats. there are many great things that happened and some not-so-good things. but that's life, you take the good with the bad.

More Than A Token: The Two-Time Campus Award Winner

Sometimes the biggest honors do not need to be evaluated by how I live but by how other people perceive at how I live. When I won the Volunteer of the Year award in 2010, it was a huge honor because I was almost in tears due to the fact that volunteering is central to how I conduct my life and my behavior in leading. It was also a huge honor since it parlayed into my internship and the realization that I could go further in how I conducted my own doings in a professional volunteer manner. I may have inspired myself to volunteer plenty, but in the backbone, I was inspiring others as well and I eventually did more in the next few years than I did in that year alone volunteer-wise. The next year, I attended but was a runner-up in event of the year. I don't want to sound cocky, but I think we should have won. There was blood, sweat, tears, and a humongous amount of bureaucratic work that went into the rally and we were on television for it. It was a huge success and a huge deal. I even put it on my resume. But there has since been moving on and not being bitter and it was a huge field and I was that close to being a three-time campus award winner. one is more than a lot of people experience, the overwhelming majority of campus most likely. The Spirit of Boise State award was the biggest award I think I have ever gotten. For others to see how much I'm involved in school on so many levels and to see the extent of people cheering and talking about it since then, there is a feeling that I won't get something of the like until I graduate. To be so honored and moved by a whole campus and to be one of nine in the whole school nominated and one of five to win, it is a true honor. I am proud of that, but even more than that, the being proud extends to the whole school. I couldn't have done it without the support of the whole school having my back. I did shed a tear or two at the announcement and I'm OK with that. I'm so proud of my school and the things I've done and continue to do. Finally, I think that my autism plays a role in that. My autism plays a role in having enough energy to be constantly in motion and still have enough energy to nap once a week and be a late to bed, early to rise person. My autism gets me in friendly mode, which helps explain why so many people know me and care for me and why there were several people standing at the gala. Finally, my autism has helped me be involved, more than people realizing it being a factor. I am proud of each and every one of my cohorts, but without my authentic self, it wouldn't of been made possible nor without any of them. And I couldn't be happier. Stay tuned for the next segment of my blog: 29: 5 reasons why it was a year of self-discovery.

More Than A Token: A True Yogi

My first experience with yoga, in high school, I got hurt. Which is kind of ironic, because when I started becoming serious about yoga, a year or so after my sister and I went to a yoga session together and several months after I did yoga near the SUB where I met one of my future besties at, I have not only used it to strengthen my body (I've had, except for last year because of the ice and because of my injury-laden sports, very few injuries the years that I've done yoga), but also my mind and my soul. I've appreciated it as a social experience, but also as a way to look at form and getting feedback from instructors that have been doing it for longer than I have. I am an unofficial T.A. for a class and enjoy it. I love the being mindful that comes with the journey. Having autism and loving yoga has helped me relax and as someone with autism, I have no sensitivity to pain, and yoga has helped with that tremendously. I love to work on poses with yoga and can do a 20-minute session in the park by myself with what I've learned. But yoga has much more than Vitamin N or a peaceful surrounding or restructuring my body for me. It's also a way of relaxation and of learning myself on the journey. I appreciate the genuineness of the instructors and I've been shown plenty of ways to work on form and have fun and use it as stress relief. It is something that I can use as a vehicle to teach people about autism and besides Jenna, I have met a few other people in yoga classes that have become like family to me, instructors and participants both. After one of my yoga classes in the park last year, one of the instructors talked to me, gave me an unexpected hug, and said, "you're a great yogi. thanks for taking me on this journey." while it's an unexpected journey and one that a few years ago I'd never thought I'd do, it's been an impressive one. And I couldn't be happier for it, either. Stay tuned for the next two chapters: The Final More Than A Token Piece Called The Two-Time Campus Awards Winner and A Piece Called 29: The Self-Discovery Year