There is something that this blog addresses that is controversial so I start with the disclaimer: I have close to 5,000 friends on Facebook and could do with a little less in my feed so if you are going to start with the whole "hate the sin but love the sinner" argument or that "I am going to hell for something that is a choice" argument please feel free to delete me and if this does offend you too much it is fine if you delete me as well.
Now that I have your attention after 34 1/2 years of baking in a mixture of straight and homosexual juice it is clear that I am not bisexual but gay. Gay not as happy but gay as in I like men and gay as in fabulous and queer. I know that queer goes in and out of style and I am not here to discuss semantics but in modern-day vernacular queer basically means not straight. And I have dawdled in the gay and bisexual and straight conundrum for decades but I know now that I am gay. Looking at media I am attracted to men and just men. The people at my gym hear me say things under my breath about how attractive the guys are I am constantly attracted to men and just men when I am in public and the swimsuit issue and other issues where there are women in it or stuff online I think yeah people are wonderful inside and out but even if they look great to society I am not the least tiniest bit attracted to them. So I in effect are only attracted to men and just men. I want an eventual boyfriend but I am scared for two reasons: not donating blood which I love and having searched this road for years at least since having male celebrity crushes and male Disney crushes since I was a kid. Women do not attract me physically or sexually and with the fact that I am not the least bit turned on by women in any media category means that I am as gay as gay can be. They can be 10 pluses and I am not attracted to them but men even average men if they are a male and they are attractive in my arena I am way attracted to them and I know that it is easy to bake. I have baked for almost 35 years and some of the reasons why I have waffled on it include having a solid number of conservative activities and being in judgmental places of life. Now that this is not the case I feel solidly OK with the decision to be gay and I probably was all along.
Being gay and wearing nail polish and having purple hair is much more acceptable with guys in 2018 than it is in 2003. More people are accepting the fact that they are who they are and don't feel the need to hide it and society has changed it's views of gender and orientation discussion quite readily and rapidly. More people have decided that they are at least bisexual and may be turning into gay throughout the past few years even in the past few months several of my friends who I knew for years were kind of different orientations just from experiences with them or word of mouth have come out as either gay or bisexual. I wasn't at all surprised and as time has gone on I have deduced that I am right on my perceptions. They were probably gay their whole life and just didn't feel fully comfortable. I know I didn't but being a Presbyterian Buddhist with ideals more bordering on Buddhism and never understanding the Book of Order I feel more comfortable in being out and at this point have a tell only if asked expectation on my orientation. I don't tell much because people are mature enough not to ask unless the topic of dating or children comes up which is somewhat rare.
This doesn't change anything with my attitude towards people. I have always had reservations about certain types of people and I still do however I feel like I won't judge someone for being a legalistic christian (intentionally not capitalized) unlike they would judge me for the orientation piece depending. I haven't ever sexually harassed a male in the bathroom or otherwise and haven't ever kissed a male without consent and I won't start now. It will change how I approach men because I don't want to be frightened by big men if I find someone who I am attracted to that is also gay and is a bigger dude and we decide to go out or eventually have relations. This is all kind of new to me and is a lot to process so I ask that if you have questions ask me directly and have them be non-judgmental. I am not going to hide it but I am sure that if people are uncomfortable with this conversation or it is not the right space we can talk about something else. And above all be respectful. Respect goes a long way and I am lucky to have the friends and the people in my life that I do. Stay tuned for the post-graduation blog about how I have handled my health post-school. Coming in early to mid April AutBott Ian and out
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Monday, March 5, 2018
Songs That Inspire Me
Here are 10 songs from different kinds of music genres (OK almost all rock or pop since that's a large part of my interest) that I am inspired by. Mostly '80s and today music since that is a large amount of my music consumption and these songs have helped me so much conquer life and overcome and learn what I need to do to continue to slay my opportunities. Without further adieu the top ten songs that inspire me:
10. Just Like Fire (Pink): one of the most cliche picks on this list and one of the biggest sell-out picks on the list. irregardless, this song has got me prepped for swim meets and gets me thinking of what I need to do to be empowered and it was first heard in my life on the trip to McCall and Warm Lake hot springs which will forever be known as the trip that was a real quick vacation to reboot before my only A on a BlackBoard test. Even though it was panned and has some real overheard lyrics it will always be in my heart as a solid song.
9. Lose Yourself (Eminem): The only straight rap song on this list, the message of overcoming and being at the wrong side of the tracks but then being a star and crushing your dreams as well as the random lyrics thrown in makes it a classic and the kicker on this being a pick for this list is the end lyric you can do anything you set your mind to. My last term of college I listened to this rap song probably about 20 times on YouTube and I have listened to it 5 more this year alone. Never gets old.
8. Crazy Train (Ozzy Ozbourne): A song I legitimately know all the lyrics to this musical masterpiece is a stellar piece of rock, raucous energy, and fun. The two best parts of this song are maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate (Ozzy sang this who knew?) and the parts about the people who he had mentor him on his journey. Seriously a top 5 favorite song too.
7. Hall of Fame (The Script featuring Will.I.Am): One of only two good Will.I.Am songs since he left Black Eyed Peas in my opinion (the other being Scream and Shout which features Brittney Spears) this song has a great message, a dream for the people who are living a rough life, and the whole sense of being picked up when they are down. A great song to have plenty of power and pack a lot of punch (no pun intended since one of the athletes is a boxer) a great song and a song I listened to a lot when I was in my last term.
6. Fireworks (Katy Perry): One of two Katy Perry songs on this list, this song is inspiring not just in the overall scheme but also in the sense of overcoming and acknowledging some change in how to conduct life. It is a great song when you are feeling down and appropriate for all ages. Also the empowerment of it is not lost on me, the song always makes me feel wonderful.
5. Fight Song (Rachel Platten): A controversial pick on this list due to like Just Like Fire it being cliched and also kind of oversimplified, nonetheless this song got me through a tough point in my life and has kept on getting me to where I can create a meaning of an even better life and a continual lesson of perseverance, fun, and overall creativity on what it means to do well. And when it came out I was struggling a bit so there is that. I always brighten up when I watch the video.
4. Living on a Prayer (Bon Jovi): You can't make a list without this being on the top 4. Ever. It has a great message, a great set of rock energy, and a wonderful keeping on being constant in my life as a goal-setter. From when I first heard this song when I was 13 to 21 years later it doesn't make me any less stagnant towards hearing it in fact I think I like it more. Such a wonderful message of following your dreams too. A solid pick and one of my top ten favorites.
3. The Greatest (Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar): Came out when I was having roommate problems and I first watched the video last swimming season. Found out it was dedicated to the Orlando nightclub victims and (BAM) instant big-time fan. I sang it when I was swimming in the 100-meter backstroke (and still won all my heats that season by a wide margin and improved so much) and it not only has a great message, the video also has a lot of meaning too. Gay rights + inspiration + pump-up= ultimate recipe for winning me over.
2. Whatever Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (Kelly Clarkson): The only break-up song on the list and it deserves to be on here for three reasons: 1) it saved my life 2) it never gets old 3) from my side view of perseverance this song makes me real happy and willing to listen again and again when I feel low and feel like I need a pick-me-up. The first time I listened intently I was severely depressed and suicidal. Now after quite a few listens I am not either.
1. Roar (Katy Perry): Everyone knew this one would be 1 who know me. A great song filled with lots of meaning and a song of confidence and straight vigor, this song will always be my number 1 inspirational song until further notice. Hearing it at the Winter Games dance will always be a great memory and the whole champion and tiger analogy keeps me seriously in love with this song. It is a wonderful song of overcoming obstacles and persevering and it is a great pump-up song for real and one of my favorite songs ever (I have probably watched the video 100 times or so and I'm gay so it wasn't so I could see Katy Perry in minimal clothing it's because this song is wonderful).
That is this month's edition of the blog. Stay tuned for a couple of weeks with the blog Ian and Out about my orientation experience and how it came to be and for next week's reboot of ProBottIantern. Have a great week everyone.
10. Just Like Fire (Pink): one of the most cliche picks on this list and one of the biggest sell-out picks on the list. irregardless, this song has got me prepped for swim meets and gets me thinking of what I need to do to be empowered and it was first heard in my life on the trip to McCall and Warm Lake hot springs which will forever be known as the trip that was a real quick vacation to reboot before my only A on a BlackBoard test. Even though it was panned and has some real overheard lyrics it will always be in my heart as a solid song.
9. Lose Yourself (Eminem): The only straight rap song on this list, the message of overcoming and being at the wrong side of the tracks but then being a star and crushing your dreams as well as the random lyrics thrown in makes it a classic and the kicker on this being a pick for this list is the end lyric you can do anything you set your mind to. My last term of college I listened to this rap song probably about 20 times on YouTube and I have listened to it 5 more this year alone. Never gets old.
8. Crazy Train (Ozzy Ozbourne): A song I legitimately know all the lyrics to this musical masterpiece is a stellar piece of rock, raucous energy, and fun. The two best parts of this song are maybe it's not too late to learn how to love and forget how to hate (Ozzy sang this who knew?) and the parts about the people who he had mentor him on his journey. Seriously a top 5 favorite song too.
7. Hall of Fame (The Script featuring Will.I.Am): One of only two good Will.I.Am songs since he left Black Eyed Peas in my opinion (the other being Scream and Shout which features Brittney Spears) this song has a great message, a dream for the people who are living a rough life, and the whole sense of being picked up when they are down. A great song to have plenty of power and pack a lot of punch (no pun intended since one of the athletes is a boxer) a great song and a song I listened to a lot when I was in my last term.
6. Fireworks (Katy Perry): One of two Katy Perry songs on this list, this song is inspiring not just in the overall scheme but also in the sense of overcoming and acknowledging some change in how to conduct life. It is a great song when you are feeling down and appropriate for all ages. Also the empowerment of it is not lost on me, the song always makes me feel wonderful.
5. Fight Song (Rachel Platten): A controversial pick on this list due to like Just Like Fire it being cliched and also kind of oversimplified, nonetheless this song got me through a tough point in my life and has kept on getting me to where I can create a meaning of an even better life and a continual lesson of perseverance, fun, and overall creativity on what it means to do well. And when it came out I was struggling a bit so there is that. I always brighten up when I watch the video.
4. Living on a Prayer (Bon Jovi): You can't make a list without this being on the top 4. Ever. It has a great message, a great set of rock energy, and a wonderful keeping on being constant in my life as a goal-setter. From when I first heard this song when I was 13 to 21 years later it doesn't make me any less stagnant towards hearing it in fact I think I like it more. Such a wonderful message of following your dreams too. A solid pick and one of my top ten favorites.
3. The Greatest (Sia ft. Kendrick Lamar): Came out when I was having roommate problems and I first watched the video last swimming season. Found out it was dedicated to the Orlando nightclub victims and (BAM) instant big-time fan. I sang it when I was swimming in the 100-meter backstroke (and still won all my heats that season by a wide margin and improved so much) and it not only has a great message, the video also has a lot of meaning too. Gay rights + inspiration + pump-up= ultimate recipe for winning me over.
2. Whatever Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger (Kelly Clarkson): The only break-up song on the list and it deserves to be on here for three reasons: 1) it saved my life 2) it never gets old 3) from my side view of perseverance this song makes me real happy and willing to listen again and again when I feel low and feel like I need a pick-me-up. The first time I listened intently I was severely depressed and suicidal. Now after quite a few listens I am not either.
1. Roar (Katy Perry): Everyone knew this one would be 1 who know me. A great song filled with lots of meaning and a song of confidence and straight vigor, this song will always be my number 1 inspirational song until further notice. Hearing it at the Winter Games dance will always be a great memory and the whole champion and tiger analogy keeps me seriously in love with this song. It is a wonderful song of overcoming obstacles and persevering and it is a great pump-up song for real and one of my favorite songs ever (I have probably watched the video 100 times or so and I'm gay so it wasn't so I could see Katy Perry in minimal clothing it's because this song is wonderful).
That is this month's edition of the blog. Stay tuned for a couple of weeks with the blog Ian and Out about my orientation experience and how it came to be and for next week's reboot of ProBottIantern. Have a great week everyone.
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